Saturday, July 19, 2008

Worst Games Of All Time : Episode VII : Friday The 13th


Hi. This is the seventh part of the series "Worst Games Of All Time". If you like it, you can read the other six parts !!

Link To :
====> Episode I : E.T. The Extra Terrestrial <====
====>
Episode II : Superman 64 <==== ====> Episode III : Pac-Man For Atari 2600 <==== ====> Episode IV : Bad Street Brawler <==== ====> Episode V : Dr.Jekyll And Mr. Hyde <==== ====> Episode VI : Shaq Fu <==== ====> Episode VII : Friday The 13th (You`re reading it, genius) <==== Now, let`s begin !!

Friday The 13th


WARNING :
Italicized text uses ironic, sarcastic, and black humor. It also uses minimal profanity. Following text is not recommended for children under 13.


Well, Friday the 13th on the NES. At the start screen, you can see a knife flying directly into the eyes of Jason`s mask. That should indicate a very good and action-packed game. True, oh so true. This game is a synonym of the word "great". Everyone loves it. It`s so superb, that I`m reviewing it`s excellence. Outstanding. I can`t find a word to describe it. Everybody loves this game, because it`s the flaw of complete awe. The concept is just brilliant : Making a video-game based on a crappy R-rated slasher movie for kids. Just cool.

There are six camp bastards you can play as. It doesn`t matter if they are black, white or yellow. It doesn`t even matter if they existed in the movie. That`s what I call terrific. Nobody cares because it`s a good game. You go around the camp throwing rocks. Yeah, rocks are fatal. You throw rocks at zombies... and other stuff. The rocks just fly in an arc over the enemy. Peace keepers would love this.You run around trying to find fire-places to light. Just cool.

What more could you ask for ? Thus, every great game has a map screen. This concept works outstanding in sidescrollers, because you know in which direction you`re going. Yeah, cause there is a left and a right direction. If you`re walking left, you`re walking right on the map and vice versa. Why make things easy, if you can make it overcomplicated ? That gives the little twist of challenge for hardcore gamers.
But..but that`s just cool. It makes it more challenging. I love figuring out the basic logic made complicated in an 8-bit video game. I love it. It is just great.. That was the ironic,satirical and sarcastic part. Now the facts are coming.

This is just crap. Crap. Crap. It was produced by the crappiest gaming company ever. Ljn

Donkey licking
Foul-mouthed jade producing
Nutcrackers.

LJN. The bastards who produced Roger Rabbit, Nightmare on Elm Street and this garbage.This is a "son of a bull-balls sucking bastard weirdo"-kind of game !!


I love this game. The rocks that fly an arc over your enemies are so useful. Upgrading to an knife is not mandatory. The knife hurts and destroys the enemy. And we don`t want that, do we? We only use biological and natural weapons made by Motha Nature. After a while, a really awesome and expensive produced peeping sound comes. That is the "Jason-Alarm". When you hear it, you have to go to the map screen. A giant red dot indicates where you are. A gigantic white dot indicates the area where Jason is killin` little puny brats, a.k.a "Camp Councler(s)". I think the red dot is supposed to be a human, and the white one is supposed to be a cabin. But that doesn`t matter. The game is unique it is very own way. So creative, so masterful. Just cool.


Now let`s go left to the cabin where Jason is. I guess I should go left. So I went left, because the cabin was on the left side of the map screen. Guess what ? I`ve walked to the right because I walked left ingame !! That is completely scientific,logical and self explanatory. So there I am, "following the yellow brick road" on the way to the cabin. But that`s O.K because this game kicks George W. Bush`s butt !! So, now I know that I have to go right because it`s on the left side of the screen. Now I``m walking in the right direction. The bare basics of right/left do not apply. That gives the game the right twist. And that`s why this game is so great !! Logic is for pussys... and unlogical actions/reactions rule the video games !!

Finally, I`m in the cabin. Right away, a strange man is saying : "Thank you". He thanks you for walking in the cabin before getting killed by Jason. Wow, I wonder what the strange man will say in hell to the camp councler. The strange man only has a head, but no face. This game must have a high budget. Jason is somewhere in this humongous cabin. This must be the biggest camping cabin ever. He`s coming. He`s coming. Damn, there was a sudden sound the made me crap in my slip.

Now I`m fighting Jason like in "Mike Tyson`s Punch-Out !". Jason sure looks scary in that purple T-shirt. So scary. I defeated him, but he`ll be back, just like in the movie. Even after they counted the fourth installment "The Final Chapter", it had seven moviea after that, not counting the remake of the first movie that is going to be produced in 2009. So for now, I`m walking around triying to find fire-places that I should light up. Isn`t this fun ? The cabin is 2.5d. The controls are really fluent.

This game is a major suckage.

Well, what should we say ? I``m walking around, looking for fire-places and answering the Jason-Alaem once in a while. Once you change the camp-councler, you get the o-so good rock. That accomplished a lot. The day and night transitions are smooth, not like in other games a lá "Castlevania II : Simon`s Quest". It`s is a big improvent over Simons Quest (Note of the author : This sentence is true). Jason comes out once in a while to scare the crap out of you Even Jason`s mom makes an appearance.

Once all of your people are dead, a very entertaining black screen shows up, with following context :

YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS
ARE DEAD.

GAME OVER.


Not ironic text : What, ya serious ? "Dead" ? Nobody dies in a Nintendo game, they`re "destroyed" or "defeated" !! That`s ingenious. That`s the best Game-Over screen I ever saw. I`m serious. The last seven sentences were serious. Dead serious. Dead freakin` serious. That`s fantastic. You and your friends are dead. Game Over. Don`t you share the same opion ? That is the best screen ever, not including the " Your are dead " screen in Resident Evil 4. If there is a sequel of this craptastic game it would have to say :

YOU`RE FREAKING DEAD.
YOU`RE FIENDS ARE DEAD.
YOU`RE FRIENDS ARE DEAD.
YOU`RE SISTER DIED ON CRACK.
YOU`RE PETS ARE BEING IMPALED ALIVE
BY A HORDE OF CRAZY WORLD OF WARCRAFT
ALLIANCE MEMBERS.
YOU`RE MOM IS BEING SKINNED ALIVE.
YOU`RE DAD IS FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET.
GAME OVER.

PS : THIS GAME IS HORRIBLE !!!






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